The year is 2015 and let it be noted that this is the year in which the light entertainment android known as Gemma Collins off TOWIE finally became self-aware and started eating its own tail.
Good old Gems has given an interview to the Sun in which she announces herself “the Victoria Beckham of the plus-size fashion world”, brands herself “TV gold” and says she should be on Celebrity MasterChef because “John Torode and that other bloke would just fall in love with my infusions”.
Her infusions.
The 34-year-old Essex star, who quit the I’m A Celebrity jungle last year just three days into her stint, also claims to have lost three stone through hypnotherapy, going from a size 22 to an 18.
“I feel free, you know, like Free Willy, the whale, when they released it from the pen,” she actually said with her mouth. Like, she just compared herself to a fictional killer whale, and we’re going to run with it.
“I was addicted to food but I’ve finally taken control. I needed to. Every day I’d wake up and think about what I’d have for lunch and dinner.
“I used to fantasise about food. Now if I wanted a McDonald’s I’d have one — but I’d only have six chicken nuggets instead of chicken nuggets, a Big Mac and a McChicken Sandwich.”
Unreal. This whole interview is unreal.
Gem – who referred to herself as ‘GC’ throughout – also hinted about a Strictly Come Dancing debut.
“My dress would be pink and full of crystals — you know, like My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding. I’m obsessed with that programme. I’d be very traveller style. I love the gypsies and all their over-the-top things.”
Brief hiatus while your reporter thinks about the life choices she made that brought her to this point, the point at which Gemma Collins off popular ITVBe reality show _**TOWIE_ just announced that she “loves the gypsies” and “all their over-the-top things” and people are okay with her saying these things******
Gemma – who apparently also gave this whole interview while wearing an electric pink fluffy dressing gown – added that she’d love to pursue a stage career.
“I can see my name in lights. I’d be Mama Morton from Chicago. Either that or I’d love to have a role in EastEnders. I know I’m from Essex but I can see myself in the square. I’d be the new landlord at the Vic. I’d be the modern-day Peggy Mitchell,” she said.
She rounded off by insisting she out of all the TOWIE women gets the most potential customers asking about her clothing range.
Apparently people come “running over” whenever she walks down Brentwood High Street – some of them “IN TEARS” – to tell her she’s an inspiration.
We’ll leave you with that mental image.
I'm A Celebrity 2014: Gemma Collins most iconic statements
I'm A Celebrity 2014: Gemma Collins most iconic statements
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"People are going to see the real bare, stripped-back me. I might just become Bear Grylls, you never know."We never did get to see Gemma chowing down on a raw snake, drinking her own urine or sleeping inside a rancid camel (yep, Bear Grylls has seriously done all of those things).
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"Yeah alright, I've cracked at the first hurdle. It's like the turtle and the slug or the horse and the rabbit or something, I can't remember what it is."Who could forget the age-old story of the turtle and the slug?
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"If they don’t give us a treat I’m going to kill myself.”Well, the suicide threats didn’t work, but outside of the jungle is a plentiful world of treats just waiting for Gem.
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"I've never been in a shower which takes so much hard work but you've just got to roll with it, like Oasis said."
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"I feel like I’ve got malaria. My poo is bright fluorescent yellow, we’ve got to get out of here today.”Symptoms of malaria do not include yellow poo, constant whinging or an Essex accent, sorry Gem.
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"Seriously, I'd give anything for a bit of dried fruit. Dried fruit! I'm not even asking for a ham sandwich. You know what I mean? With a packet of Quavers on the side."We’re not sure dried fruit is the best remedy for fluorescent yellow diarrhea Gem, maybe just stick to dry bread and water until the ‘malaria’ clears up.
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"People that murder get treated better than this, and that's the truth. Even a murderer gets fed three times a day."Murderers also don’t get paid at least £25,000 to go on a jolly holiday to Australia either. They also tend not to have strops and quit their sentences, but who cares about the details….
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"If I'm not in that camp in three minutes, I'm quitting."That’s what the helicopter was for, Gem.