Natalie Cassidy

 

Sonia, or, as some people know her, Natalie Cassidy was the first contestant to enter the Celebrity Big Brother house and walk straight into a secret task. She has to spend the foreseeable future wearing a secret headpiece in which Big Bro will feed her a number of things to say and do without being discovered.

So far she has had to make sexual advancements to fellow contestant Frankie Cocozza, who's presumably already inspecting his arse for a spare slot for Sonia.

She's also had to make an awkward "lets make up" speech to Nicola McLean, which was harder to watch than your parents kissing.

So far, Sonia has our vote for those acting skills alone.

Nicola McLean

 

Glamour model and Reality star – which happens to be an anagram of "I don’t have a scrap of talent but crave notoriety to suppress my low self-esteem" – is an outspoken WAG who once had a Twitter spat with fellow WAG Natasha Giggs. It will be interesting to see just how self-righteous these keyboard warriors are when they aren't hidden behind a screen.

Romeo Dunn

 

Many years ago Romeo sang a song about being there only being 21 seconds to go, which also happens to be what Frankie says before penetration.

He has done a few other things since then, like had a few holidays, sang a song at his cousin's wedding and got a good deal on a secondhand Toyota Yaris.

Frankie Cocozza

 

This child with the face of a pensioner and hair of a demotivated lesbian shot to the wrong type of fame after breaking a "golden rule" on The X Factor. Once he was kicked off the show and live tour, Frankie embarked on an unsavoury tour of university clubs along with Karl Kennedy, Some of S Club 7 and Keith Norval ???. Rumour has it that he was paid in Blue WKD and a novelty USB sticks.

Frankie said he "felt free" after being kicked off The X Factor, which was probably just a side-effect of the rumoured drugs.
 

Andrew Stone

 

Rumour has it that Andrew Stone is the victim of an elaborate April Fools' joke in which his mates agreed to convince him that the '90s was a leap decade and lasts 20 years. This straight man in a gay man's shell hit our screen in Sky 1s Reality show Pineapple Dance Studio, where his deluded hunger for fame fascinated millions.

By day he sings for his band Starman, features in West End musicals and teaches dance, and by night he weeps on his cold bathroom floor while curled into foetal position.

Gareth Thomas

 

This strapping 37-year-old beefcake of a man is a retired professional rugby player who came out as gay in 2009. He also won Stonewall's Hero of the Year for his work with Childline.
Usually shying away from showbiz, it should be interesting to see how he copes with this highly consternated version.

Georgia Salpa

 

Georgia is a glamour model from Ireland who is most famous for dating balding lothario Calum Best. They split last September just after Calum was snapped leaving a club with some Donna Air from Byker Grove. She told The Sun shortly afterwards, “Yes, it's all over. I am upset over it as we were a proper couple. He says nothing happened and wants to stay together, but I can't trust him and that's definitely it. I saw the pictures with her and I would like to believe him that nothing happened, but I don't want to be one of those girls who takes people back no matter what they do.”

She then cranked up that song about not wanting a scrub handing out of a passenger side of his best friends ride, waved her finger about for a bit and never spoke of it again.

Kirk Norcross

 

Kirk, who likes to scream abusive swearwords in girl's faces on national TV, but it's OK because he has nice blue eyes, is only known best known for his part as womanising rich boy in The Only Way Is Essex, in which he drives around in nice cars dumping girls.

Kirk is no stranger to charm and we can expect a full-on offensive judging by all the glamour girls CBB has on offer this year.

Michael Madsen

 

Michael was in that Reservoir Dogs film a while ago and, on a lighter scale, Free Willy, which had something to do with a whale… called Willy… who wanted to be freed.

He's also been in 170 other films. Judging by his fashion sense, you cant help wondering how many of those 170 films have an X-rating? Go on, picture it… there you go…. My gift to you.

Kristina and Karissa Shannon

 

These two Playboy twins say that the most important trait in a man is the ability to make them laugh, perhaps they should have dated Paul and Barry Chuckle – aka the Chuckle Brothers – and not Hugh Hefner then!?

Apparently they have been in a number of films. I wonder if Michael will recognise them?… Sorry, did you forget that last image I created for you? Well here, have it back. No need to thank me.