Everyone knows that inexplicably-popular guitar twanger John Mayer’s lifetime ambition is to sexify all of Earth’s famous women. He can’t get enough. It’s a sex fever. Which sweet, young ingénue will he snatch away to taint and corrupt next?
Miley Cyrus, that’s who (probably)! Yes, the bare-shouldered, slightly-hunched former child star allegedly got “touchy feely” with Mayer at a pre-Grammys party last week. But wait! It gets ickier!
“She followed John around all night like a puppy dog,” an eyewitness said. “She put her arm around his waist, and even grabbed his behind.”
A separate source solemnly added that Miley “slapped his butt and told him, ‘You rock!’”
P.S. heatworld would like to issue a disclaimer at this point. John Mayer in no way “rocks”. If we continue to bandy around that phrase with such gay abandon then we - as a species - are basically done for.
P.P.S. Last week when Miley’s dad said that he was battling with Satan for his daughter’s soul we had no idea what he was talking about. It’s much clearer now.