Gwyneth Paltrow, hasn’t been content with writing an insipid blog, cuddling up to Mr Schue on Glee, squawking with Cee Lo Green at the Grammys and spending each day trying to convince her daughter that it’s okay to be named after a particularly dull fruit.
Oh hells no. She’s so bored (doesn’t she look it?) that added another string to add to her bow-of-annoyingness that’s made her so annoying that she could only get more annoying if she literally ran about tapping people on the nose with the tip of said bow at random points in the day.
What is this thing which has made us re-define the meaning of ‘annoying’? It’s a cookery book. With the flakey title: My Father’s Daughter: Delicious, Easy Recipes Celebrating Family & Togetherness the inside pages are just as cringeworthy, namedropping Jamie Oliver, Leonardo DiCaprio and “favourite vegetarian friend, Stella McCartney”.
We know Tracey Anderson (personal trainer to Gwyn and Madonna) is to blame for making the new author macrobiotic-mad, but there’s someone else closer to home who had a hand in Gwyneth’s cookery obsession: “On year I was given a birthday present I’ll never forget – a cooking lesson from Jamie Oliver.”
And she once went to a “lecture from Leonardo DiCaprio…about how such animals are kept and processed” which made her lose her “desire for factory farm pork and beef.”
If you’ve visited Goop, the blog where she gives other mums advice on how to be as great as her, you’ll know the score. But for the lucky ones out there, who haven’t yet seen the gems Gwyneth can produce, we’re about to make you see your lunch again with our favourite parts of the book:
“I basically love anything that comes in a hot dog bun… except hot dogs (sorry, Dad).”
“One cold wintry day in London, I was dreaming about salad niçoise.”
“We’ve got a wood-burning pizza oven in the garden – a luxury, I know, but it’s one of the best investments I’ve ever made.”
“One evening when I had my wood-burning stove going, I realized I hadn’t thought of dessert.”
“I’m not sure how healthy bacon is in general, but I know it’s incredibly delicious.”
There’s also a quote from Apple. We know – a person called APPLE is allowed to get published: “I’m not gluten free but I like gluten-free food.”
But as much as she wants us to believe she lives a perfect housewife life, there could be in trouble in paradise, as she seems to like some vegetables a bit too much: “When I pass a flowering zucchini plant in a garden, my heart skips a beat.”
Are you going to buy Gwyneth’s book when it’s out in the UK? Or is that a silly question?