Lembit Opik and the Cheeky Girl (Gabriela Irimia)

 

These two are pretty strange even as individuals so when they got together our heads nearly exploded in the face of the oddness.

With a name that sounds completely made-up (possibly by a sci-fi obsessed 7 year old) and that renegade face, Lembit Opik was never going to be a likely romantic hero.

 We were always suspicious that the Cheeky Girls were either fembots or ladyboys - neither of which was actually dispelled by this relationship.

But, after meeting on Channel 5’s All Star Talent Show in 2006 (we don’t remember it either), the Lib Dem and the Transylvanian spent over two years together and even got engaged.

So they must have had something in common. We dread to think what it was.

Sam Taylor-Wood and Aaron Johnson

 

We don’t mean to be judgemental but this couple actually make us feel a little bit sick.

We know, we know, he’s a consenting adult and age means nothing when you’re in love, blah, blah, blah but Aaron Johnson looks all of about 14 – which is near enough the same age as Sam Taylor-Wood’s daughter.

They met while Sam was directing Aaron in Nowhere Boy, before which he was most famous as a tween (that’s right, not even teen) heartthrob in Angus, Thongs and Perfect Snogging.

Despite him struggling to grow a beard, he has now fathered her child. We’re very happy for them but we still try not to think about it when we’re watching Kick-Ass.

Christina Hendricks and Geoffrey Arend

 

As Joan Holloway in Mad Men, curvalicious Christina has quickly become the object of male office fantasies everywhere.

Since she sashayed onto our screens, all heaving bosom and fiery locks, we envisaged that in real life she was probably the kind of woman to take a variety of lovers – maybe a sensual artist in Florence, a passionate flamenco dancer in Barcelona, a powerful business man in Stockholm.

But no, the love of this goddess’ life is speccy Geoffrey Arend a.k.a. the world’s luckiest geek. Mr Arend is also an actor, best known for his role in 500 Days of Summer as the ‘nerdy best friend’.

Not exactly Don Draper.

Christina insists that she’s the lucky one though – apparently he’s very funny (that old chestnut), he made a tear-jerkingly romantic proposal and “he’s just the best husband ever”. Take note, Star Trek fans everywhere.

Sophie Dahl and Jamie Cullum

 

They probably have loads to talk about – being English and a bit posh and about the same age and all that – but logistically, this is all wrong. Being a statuesque 6ft supermodel.

It’s always going to be difficult to find men that make you feel dainty and ladylike but going out with jazz hobbit Jamie Cullum (official height: 5ft 6; real height: 5ft 4) must make Sophie Dahl feel like the BFG (which incidentally, was written for her).

At least they’ve given us some priceless photo opportunities. The couple refuse to be defeated by the Little and Large taunts and are now happily married with a baby girl called Lyra, who will hopefully be average-sized.

Tom Cruise and Cher

 

This one’s obviously ancient history now, but long before Tom Cruise started jumping on sofas, smiling inanely and behaving like a cult member, he was the arm candy of Cher.

It’s difficult to tell what the age gap would have been, given Cher’s immortality and self-regenerating skin, but they were rumoured to have met at the White House in the mid-eighties.

Which makes it sound like the relationship might have been some kind of Government experiment. Particularly because they managed to keep it secret for nearly 20 years.

Cher mysteriously says, ‘It was long, long time ago. Neither one of us ever talked about it and I don’t know why.’ Mmmmm….Tom’s never been the same since.

George Clooney and Lisa Snowdon

 

In the grand tradition of mismatched couples, it’s usually the man that’s batting way out of his league (mainly because men are much more shallow and cocksure of themselves than women) but when The World’s Sexiest Man stepped out with a little-known brunette from Welwyn Garden City, Lisa Snowdon became known as the world’s biggest over-achiever.

To her credit, she managed to pin down ‘eternal bachelor’ George for nearly two years after working her leggy charm (or black voodoo magic) while they were filming a Martini advert together.

She obviously used up all her pulling power in the process though because she’s struggled to find a boyfriend since.

Looking on the bright side, Lisa says, ‘I’ve got much more time and energy for photography’. Ah well, at least she’ll always have the memories.

Hayden Panettiere and Wladimir Klitschko

 

It’s hard to imagine sweet, blonde cheerleader-y Hayden in a serious relationship with anyone except maybe Christopher Robin or Harry Potter.

We were disturbed enough when we saw her being leered over by that big Welsh man Steve Jones, so our initial reaction when we saw her with a Ukranian man-bear hybrid was to gather the villagers and spear him before he squashed her.

Our next thought was, ‘How? Just how??’, but according to Hayden, “Where there’s a will, there’s a way!”

They have recently broken up after two years of ‘finding a way’, citing the long distance as the reason. Well, it was a whole foot and half.

Mel B and Eddie Murphy

 

This wasn’t so much a relationship as a sordid, convoluted plotline from a daytime soap.

The lairiest (and Scariest) of all the Spice Girls inexplicably has a fling with comedy legend Eddie Murphy.

They get matching love tattoos within days of knowing each other, she gets pregnant, he dumps Pregnant Spice live on telly and charmingly declares , "I don't know whose child that is, until it comes out and has a blood test."

Then it all got a bit out of hand because no one believed her – possibly because she looks a bit mental since she went to LA - and people started saying all sorts of ridiculous things like “well, it must have happened the first time they had slept time together”.

And just as we thought Jeremy Kyle was going to get involved, Eddie was proven to be the father (and a massive dickhead).

Chris Evans and Billie Piper

 

Of all the strange pairings we’ve seen, this is the only one with the ‘ah’ factor. Admittedly, jaws dropped at first - we were concerned that friendly but wrinkly ginge Chris had gone a bit strange on us but then we realised that Billie was actually older than her sophisticated lyrics and pigtails might suggest.

Billie said of their first date, “He had his hands down the back of my trousers all night playing with my thong, and I let him”.

Aahhh. Chris quickly won us (and Billie) over by sending a Ferrari full of red roses to her house to propose and we realised it must be true love when they bummed around for the next three years looking like hobos.

Even now they’ve divorced, they’re always bigging each other up and talking about how they ‘fixed each other’. Makes us feel all warm and fuzzy!

Mila Kunis and Macaulay Culkin

 

Macaulay Culkin’s been off the radar for a while now and what with all the freaky Jacko associations and generally strange milkiness, we envisaged him living away from the sun in some kind of chrysalis of never-ending boyhood.

So when we heard that Mila Kunis, the sexy little imp from That 70s Show, was secretly living with him we thought it must be as a full time nanny.

As it turns out, the man-child has actually been married and divorced (from both his wife and his father) and is perfectly capable of a serious relationship.

In fact, he’s actually three years older than Mila – he just looks 12. The pair recently broke up after 8 years of secretive happiness so it looks like Mac is Home Alone again (yeah we did).