Hulk Hogan is a man made of old meat and bandanas and now he has a sex tape. He has a sex tape. Hulk Hogan has a sex tape. And, lucky you, a clip from the as-yet-not-approved-for-audiences video has gone online.
WILL EVERYBODY. PLEASE. STOP MAKING. SEX TAPES.
Now that is out of the way, down to business: the existence of the sex tape was first reported in March, with footage of Hulk doing 'naked wrestling moves' with a woman rumoured to be the ex-wife of his friend and radio DJ Bubba the Love Sponge being shopped around to various media outlets in the US. Nobody especially wanted to buy or watch or even know about this thing. Yes his name is Bubba the Love Sponge. Next question.
But this week one brave Gawker video editor spliced together some footage from the tape and, to save you the trauma, we're about to explain it:
Hulk Hogan does a sex act to a lady. A sex act is done by a lady to him. A man just outside of the room says "I'll be in the office if you need me". Hulk Hogan and Bubba the Love Sponge's ex-wife do a sex. Hulk Hogan does not at any point perform a leg drop on her. Then Hulk Hogan talks really sadly about his divorce.
"[Flip]," says Hulk, immediately afterwards. "I just ate, too. I felt like a pig." Your pillow talk needs work, Hulk.
Hulk is rightly none to happy about the sex tape in which he moans about eating too much food before having sex and then yamming on about his divorce, so him and his lawyer intend to tag-team whoever is shopping the tape – filmed, allegedly, without his permission – into submission with a combination of wrestling moves and the law. But until then can everyone PLEASE. CHILL. ON MAKING. SEX TAPES.
You can watch highlights from the tape here. Warning: don't.