It’s days like this that make life worth living.
Justin Bieber and Usher are being sued by a man claiming to be Selena Gomez’s dad.
‘Why?’ we hear you say.
Well, according to Selena’s ‘dad’ (who has not been named) Justin stole his credit card to buy a penis enlargement while Usher performed a sex act on him with a firework (lit).
A sparkler would have been a walk in the park compared to a firework...
Oh, and apparently Justin also got his ‘daughter’ Selena pregnant – on a ‘Canadian bear rug’ no less – and he used the same stolen card he used for his penis enlargement to pay for an abortion.
Obviously it’s not true (it is obvious, right?), but we just wanted to applaud this guy for having the balls to go to a lawyer and tell his story.
Papers filed in court state: “Bieber has cost me $426.78 and never paid me back. This money was used as abortion money because Justin Bieber got my daughter Selena pregnant in my bedroom, on my Canadian bear rug. [Bieber] gave Selena a STD and Bieber stole my credit card to buy him and Sean P-Ditty Combs (sic) cocaine to use in drug-free school zones.”
Eh?
Still a bit sore, eh?
“Bieber also got a penis enlargement with my stolen American Express card. I'm an emotional mess ... America must boycott Bieber’s music!”
Don’t take it out on the music, buddy!
Bonfire night’s come early this year
'Baby you're a firrrrrrreworkkkkkkk'
As if all that weren’t enough, the man’s also claiming Pop Ya Collar star Usher used a firework on him for a purpose definitely not recommended by the Health And Safety Executive.
“Usher Raymond came to my house on the forth of july 2012 (sic) and sodomized me with a firework and lit it inside my anal area while blaring kate perry firework song in my ear drums.”
You know that phrase “You couldn’t make it up”? It’s true. We couldn’t. But someone did.