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Ed Sheeran is absolutely not into twerking, says Miley Cyrus is ‘packaged the wrong way’

Ed Sheeran is absolutely not into twerking, says Miley Cyrus is ‘packaged the wrong way’

Ed Sheeran – the teddybear of pop – has… well he’s said some things about Miley Cyrus. And how she takes her clothes off and writhes around in rubber undergarments more suited to less-than-continent pensioners. GO ON, ED! SHOW HER WHAT’S UP!

But, actually, it being Ed Sheeran, his version of ‘throwing shade’ is ‘basically a compliment, just said in a slightly sad voice’.

He told the Mirror: “I think she’s got an amazing voice. I just think she’s packaged the wrong way.

“When I first heard Wrecking Ball, I thought it was a brilliant song, but the video distracts too much from it.”

Ed also reckons all the crotch-thrusting and hardware-straddling and finger-lickin’ and Thicke-rubbing that Miley does is bad for the kids who watch it and are encouraged by it i.e. and so: Ed Sheeran thinks children shouldn’t twerk. GO ON, ED! SHOW HER WHAT’S UP!

“I think encouraging young people to twerk might be a bad thing,” he said, politely. “It’s a stripper’s move. If I had a daughter of nine, I wouldn’t want her twerking.” And so ends our dreams of seeing Ed Sheeran, in nude-coloured pants and nothing else, twerking along to Lego House. Thanks for destroying our dreams, Ed Sheeran.

Gallery

Miley's hurt her back but she really needs a drink
Miley's hurt her back but she really needs a drink
Miley's hurt her back but she really needs a drink
 
Miley's hurt her back but she really needs a drink

...so she bends over the tap like a dog to lap up the water. The ubiquitous 'cool friends' look on disdainfully.

Mike WiLL Made It does an invisible skipping rope routine
Mike WiLL Made It does an invisible skipping rope routine
Mike WiLL Made It does an invisible skipping rope routine
 
Mike WiLL Made It does an invisible skipping rope routine

But Miley's so embarrassed by his polka dot harem pants she tries to block our view by striking a bodybuilder pose.

Miley's forgotten her PE kit, has to sit out lesson in the changing rooms
Miley's forgotten her PE kit, has to sit out lesson in the changing rooms
Miley's forgotten her PE kit, has to sit out lesson in the changing rooms
 
Miley's forgotten her PE kit, has to sit out lesson in the changing rooms

White high-waisted briefs and a cut-out leotard are never going to be a match for hockey sticks and football studs, Miley. Next time bring a sensible polo-neck and some joggers, yeah?

Miley knows how to hold a spliff like a real person, y'all
Miley knows how to hold a spliff like a real person, y'all
Miley knows how to hold a spliff like a real person, y'all
 
Miley knows how to hold a spliff like a real person, y'all

Except how can she hold anything with those fake nails that look like chewing gum tablets? How does she wash her hair? How does she go to the loo?

Someone's put the hoop right above where the crowd sits
Someone's put the hoop right above where the crowd sits
Someone's put the hoop right above where the crowd sits
 
Someone's put the hoop right above where the crowd sits

Whaa? People will definitely get hurt, that's where the players do all their dunking and that. This is extremely poor risk assessment from the school, clearly no-one's been reading the health and safety policy. Disgusting.

Miley reckons she'd be good as a peacock
Miley reckons she'd be good as a peacock
Miley reckons she'd be good as a peacock
 
Miley reckons she'd be good as a peacock

The disdainful extras are unimpressed by this move - exactly how vexed peahens look when their mates get their tail feathers out at the zoo.

The giant foam finger from the VMAs has a cameo
The giant foam finger from the VMAs has a cameo
The giant foam finger from the VMAs has a cameo
 
The giant foam finger from the VMAs has a cameo

It's definitely another highlight in the foam glove's brief but stellar career. We've no idea what the average lifespan is for those foamy digits but we reckon it can't be long before it's been licked and caressed so hard by Miley that it has to be thrown in a dumpster wrapped in an orange bag marked "WARNING: HEALTH HAZARD".

The disdainful extras take their revenge on Miley
The disdainful extras take their revenge on Miley
The disdainful extras take their revenge on Miley
 
The disdainful extras take their revenge on Miley

...and stick her in a basketball hoop. Look how high up she is! Don't look at the backdrop, which clearly shows it's all SFX! Whatcha doing up there, Miley? Got yourself a sparkly basketball? That's nice.

Miley gives Mike Will Made It a really weird look right at the end
Miley gives Mike Will Made It a really weird look right at the end
Miley gives Mike Will Made It a really weird look right at the end
 
Miley gives Mike Will Made It a really weird look right at the end

He's either just said something so groundbreakingly brilliant, so intellectually stimulating, so blindingly awesome that she's wondering how to propose to him right there and then… or she ate a dodgy burger at lunch and is trying hard not to spew.

 
 

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