Let’s take a moment to consider Simon Cowell enjoying a colonic irrigation, shall we? There he is, in your dreams, flapping around in a sterile surgical smock, split down the back for easy access, lightly patterned in a manner that soothes and calms. “Just lie on your side there, please, Sir,” the assistant says. He is still wearing his mirrored aviators. His body is firm and puce and hairy. “ARGH,” Simon Cowell says. “Y–AURGH!” Good mental image, isn’t it? On a Thursday. On a Thursday morning.
Anyway, the reason we are all now thinking of Simon Cowell hugging his knees and being irrigated is this: as The Sun reports, The X Factor mogul recently confused a reflexology centre for his usual colonic spot, much to his own embarrassment and to the sniggers of staff.
According to the paper, the BGT honcho was dropped off Chelsea private clinic Cosmotech for a nice, rejuvenating colonic — but got all old man confused and wandered into a nearby massage and healing centre, The Reflexology Shop.
Staff apparently got the giggles when he asked, ‘Am I in the right place for a colonic?’ with a source telling the paper: “He took a look around, checking out the foot maps. Staff disguised sniggers when he then asked about his colonic appointment.”
“One quietly pointed out he was in a reflexology clinic and the place he needed was up the road.”
But before you do get worried, the 54-year-old did eventually find his way to Cosmotech and had the inside of his bottom thoroughly flushed out with the £97 treatment, before also getting a sheep placenta facial (NO THANKS), a hand waxing (NO YOU’RE ALRIGHT FOR THAT THANKS GORILLA KNUCKLES) and a vitamin injection for his health (JUST EAT AN ORANGE), before very tenderly getting back in his limo and going home. The end.