It’s been quiet on the gossip front. So quiet in fact that I’ve had to get rid of some of the special reporters who act as my eyes and ears in Hollywood. Ironic really as one of them – Eyeless Joe – is both blind and deaf. Still, his gut instinct has never let him down. Joe predicted Lindsay Lohan’s decent into drugs hell while she was still a teenage star, simply by feeling her face.
Happy to hear that Guy Ritchie wants to cast Daniel Day-Lewis as uber-villain Moriarty in his sequel to last year’s hit Sherlock Holmes adaption. I would of course watch anything that Daniel appears in – and not just because he’s my life coach.
There’s a lot of controversy about the child Miley Cyrus “sexing up” her stage act with wanton, licentious dance moves and clothes which can only be described as indecent. I’m not sure why people are shocked. This is the way our society is heading. The only thing that could surprise me about pop music these days would be if someone actually released a song with a nice tune that I could hum.
Jake Gyllenhaal is about to start shooting Grassroots - a serious, political film directed by his own father Stephen. In my experience appearing in films made by your own family is a bad idea. During the glam rock boom of the 1970s my own sister cast me in the title role of a Suzi Quatro biopic, made for the German market. It wasn’t until the first day of shooting that I realised I was the only dog on set. It looked ridiculous and I was mortified. I haven’t spoken to my sister since.
Did you hear that Mariah Carey allegedly owes her dogs’ vet $30,000 in unpaid bills? Was I the only one underwhelmed by this figure? Vets are expensive and as we all know Mariah has more dogs than people in her life. If she’d been giving those poor animals the showbiz lives they obviously deserve the bill would be six figures at least.
I hear that Karate Kid remake has done so well in America they’ve already agreed to make sequel. Sadly, I don’t see Jaden Smith ever stepping out from his father’s shadow. Yes, he can act, rap and do karate, but could he ever produce a single as era-defining as Boom! Shake The Room? Even Jaden knows the answer to that is no. I would not be surprised if this drives him to alcoholism later in life.
I have to go now and draft my Braille letter to Eyeless Joe, telling him he’s lost his job. If any of you could offer employment to a celebrity-obsessed, deaf and sightless elderly man please get in touch.
All my love,
Yap Yap
To follow Miss Yap Yap on Twitter, go to twitter.com/therealYapYap