Before we go any further, we think it's important for you to know that Keith Lemon is a very naughty boy. So if you are of a sensitive disposition, or just don't fancy hearing about Keith getting a lap dance, you might want to head elsewhere. Saying that, we think you'll regret it if you do because this interview is pretty hilarious.

Anywho, so Keith and his lovely pal Kelly Brook are in a new film together called Keith Lemon The Film (clever huh?) and we decided to head over to a fancy hotel room to have a chat to the pair of them about the new movie, which follows Keith as he tries to make it as an entrepreneur, picking up gorgeous girlfriend Kelly along the way.

Here's what they had to say:

Kelly, what was it like working with Keith?

Kelly: It was entertaining; sometimes it was offensive; but all in all I came out a lot wiser.

Keith: And you had a ride in a police car. And then you had wisdom in that car as well. She’s so wise now – she’s wiser than Gandalf.

What would you say Kelly’s best feature is then – her wisdom maybe?

 

Keith: Her wisdom.

Kelly: It’s my mind – it’s grown three inches.

Keith: Her wisdom and her sense of humour.

And Kelly, what’s Keith’s best feature?

 

Keith: My cock.

Kelly: He thinks that.

Keith: Yeah but what is my best feature – give us a compliment.

Kelly: I think your hair today. You’ve got a nice little blowdry going on – he’s got that Australian surfer look going on.

Keith: Your hair looks good too.

Kelly: We’ve got a proper hair and make-up team today because we’re movie stars. So we’ve got nice clothes and hair and make-up. We’ve been spoilt – you’ve got your nice Topman outfit on, haven’t you.

Keith, did you handpick Kelly to be your leading lady?

Keith: Yeah I did. I didn’t think she’d do it, and then she said yes. So we re-wrote her part, so her part got bigger… and then my part got bigger.

So if Kelly had said no, who would you have chosen?

Both: Lucy Pinder.

Keith: No. Who else? Erm…

Kelly: Michelle Keegan?

Keith: Yeah, Michelle Keegan.

 

Any reason?

Kelly: Because she’s a young, prettier version of me!

Keith: Yeah she’s a younger, fitter version.

Kelly: I knew he was going to say that.

Keith: She’s still got big bangers but she a prettier, younger, fitter version of Kelly. She’s got a right good sense of humour too.

What’s the most embarrassing thing that happened on set?

Keith: I think the most embarrassing thing we did was actually recorded and it’s in this film.

Kelly: Yeah, it was a big scene where…

Keith: It’s like a big fountain really, isn’t it?

Kelly: It’s the scene where Keith and I have been on a few dates and it’s the first scene that we…

Keith: It’s really intimate.

Kelly: Constipate? Constemate? Consigmate? Conshhhhhhemate? Our relationship – or try – and it doesn’t go according to plan and unfortunately it has a very premature end.

Keith: Yeah, a very quick ending.

Kelly: A very messy end.

Keith: But was there anything really embarrassing?

Kelly: Well that was embarrassing!

Keith: I can’t remember being embarrassed about anything… were you?

Kelly: Ummmm, I think the whole thing was great; we filmed in Belfast and that was really fun. Plus we’ve got loads of great stars in it. We’ve got Peter Andre – he was a bit embarrassing actually.

 

Keith: Well he is when he’s doing his jokes because they’re rubbish. He can’t tell jokes.

Kelly: Oh, he’s really sweet though.

Keith: He’s a lovely bloke.

Kelly: Everyone was lovely; Paddy McGuinness – was that embarrassing filming that scene in the strip club?

 

WARNING: THIS IS RUDE

Keith: Ohhhhhhhh yes, actually yes! So, we’re filming in a strip club me and Paddy – she’s not here, this girl so she can’t defend herself – so we’re having a lap dance and when she got off me I’m going “Paddy, Paddy, look at me lap, look at me lap.” And she’d left a little snail trail. Embarrassing for her, but I mean I was a bit embarrassed because I thought, “I hope you don’t see that.” I felt a bit bad for her. I think her little mouse’s ear popped out and touched my light grey trousers – anything on light grey’s going to show up. I don’t think it was because she was turned on; I think it’s just the way females are built – there’s residue down in that area, so it came onto my lap. I remember trying to get rid of it before she came back for the next take because I didn’t want her to be embarrassed. I mean that’s the most embarrassing thing for a woman; to snail trail.

Kelly: I’m embarrassed just sitting here listening to the story.

Keith: It would have been worse if it was you: “Erm, Kelly, your ham sandwich is hanging out…”

Kelly: I wouldn’t be dancing on your lap Keith; that would never happen.

Keith: You might do – you’d do anything for money.

Kelly: I didn’t get paid…