Last night’s episode of The Only Way Is Essex opened with Joey Essex sat topless in front of his mirror drying his marvelous bouffant with a silver hair dryer. When Chloe asked if he blow dried his hair every day, Joey became very confused and said he didn’t ever blow dry his hair. He has a hair dryer, not a blow dryer. At the end of his mini pamper session; our man declared he was looking “Ream, well ream.” The tanned lothario then went on to say he could have Lucy whenever he wanted and that he liked Sam. A lot.

Mark and best buddy Arg chatted about woman troubles over a game of golf. Arg couldn’t understand why Lydia was feeling upset. “Don’t know if it’s her time of the month or something.” Amazing. Yes, whenever a girlfriend is feeling angry or upset it has to be because she is on her period, Arg. Not because she’s heard you saying, “Bro’s before hoes.” 

Harry took his BFF Amy to the venue he was hiring for his 17th birthday. He told the bloke in charge his party essentials include a glittery cake, lots of multi-shaped pink balloons and four hot men to escort him in. Pretty much what we demand on a daily basis at heat towers.
The theme for the birthday ‘do was Icons and Harry chose Lady Gaga as his though exactly which Gaga costume he was channeling we don’t know. Amy went as Jessica Rabbit and Sam was a bikini wearing Bond girl. Best dress up of the night? Nanny Pat as the Queen. Amaze.

Joey cornered Lucy to ask how her date with Kirk went. Erm…DISASTROUS! He then cheekily asked Mark’s ex if she fancied him. She shyly said yes and so the arrogant git told her she’d missed the boat! We’d have chucked our Babycham cocktail all over his smug face.

Beach Ken aka Joey Essex aka wannabe-Playboy-of-the-year then went outside to the pool to try out his world-class chat up line (“Do you fancy me?” ) on Sam. Unfortunately, she did and they slipped into the pool for a snog. But don’t worry, Joey managed to keep his bouff above water at all times. Mark watched the whole thing (a bit weird) and looked very forlorn. Having second thought, are we?

Lauren and Kirk decided to give their love another go though Kirk admitted he hates her best pal Maria Fowler. Later at the party, Kirk rips into Maria saying he can’t stand her and wished she’d f*#@ off! Maria ran off to cry on Lauren’s shoulder. Will Lauren stand by her best mate or chose her fella? Hoes or bro’s Lauren, that is the question.