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Gallery: Christopher Maloney, Simon Cowell and Rihanna all star as babies in our Hashtag Jameson-inspired gallery

A couple have allegedly named their newborn baby Hashtag Jameson this week, as in: Hashtag. As in: The Twitter thing. As in: Even we want to bully that kid. But seeing as the only evidence that anyone has so far is an extremely sketchy Facebook screenshot, we have chosen to take the news that there is a child alive today called Hashtag with a pinch of salt. Was that pinch of salt big enough to stop us spending the afternoon cramming celebrity faces together until they looked like babies? It was not. It was nowhere near big enough.

We made monsters

Behold, then, this gallery. Using science, we asked a supercomputer to tell us what would happen if various celebrity  pairs put aside their difference, made sweet, sweet tender love to one another, and then somehow had a baby. The answers are detailed in the gallery above. Some of the results may shock you. Some may freak you out, because they look like tiny little baby-sized Frankenstein’s monsters. But finally, we will have an answer to the question, ‘What would happen if Rylan Clark and Gary Barlow had a baby together?’ (The answer is ‘a frighteningly hairy baby’)

Gallery

The Female Baby
The Female Baby
The Female Baby
 
The Female Baby

What if Tulisa realised that, actually, she didn't hate X Factor contestant Christopher Maloney, and didn't think that he was basically a karaoke singer, and, actually, she very much loved him and wanted have a street-smart little baby with him? We'll tell you what would happen: this would happen.

The baby's name? "We've decided to call him The Female Baby," says Tulisa.

Absolutely Barlow
Absolutely Barlow
Absolutely Barlow
 
Absolutely Barlow

What would happen if you took Gary Barlow's sad eyes and jaded eyebrows and transplanted them onto a tiny little Rylan Clark? Well, you'd get a baby that looks quite a lot like Rylan Clark, apparently. That didn't really work.

"We have a big announcement to make," Gary Barlow will say, monotonously, in about 2015. "We've had a baby. We've decided to name him after my hit catchphrase, 'Absolutely'. His name is 'Absolutely Barlow'."

Rihanna Fenty-Cowell
Rihanna Fenty-Cowell
Rihanna Fenty-Cowell
 
Rihanna Fenty-Cowell

"I have chosen to kick Chris Brown to the curb and take up home with Simon Cowell," Rihanna will announce, in about a month. "Also I'm going to stop making albums and getting tattoos and stuff and instead focus on raising this weird-looking kid with a terrible haircut."

 

Lindsay Gos-han
Lindsay Gos-han
Lindsay Gos-han
 
Lindsay Gos-han

"WHAT IS THIS?" you're shouting. "WHAT IS THIS? WHAT IS THIS?" This is what would happen is Lindsay Lohan and Ryan Gosling had a baby together, and called it 'Lindsay Gos-han'. World, we need to do everything in our power to make sure this doesn't happen.

Harem Pants Middleton
Harem Pants Middleton
Harem Pants Middleton
 
Harem Pants Middleton

Kate Middleton + Cheryl Cole = a kind of cute baby with 5 O'Clock shadow. Baby maths.

Chlamydia Boy
Chlamydia Boy
Chlamydia Boy
 
Chlamydia Boy

This week One Direction's Zayn Malik and Max George have been locked in a Twitter tussle that culminated with Zayn calling Max "Chlamydia Boy". But it doesn't have to be like this, lads. Sit down and work out your differences. Then figure out a way to make this monstrous baby, above.

"We decided we loved each other, actually," Zayn will tell heat in about two years time, when little Chlamydia Boy is exclusively introduced to the world. "Yes," Max George will say, tenderly. "Yes, we did." We'll have to stop the interview for a few minutes while Max composes himself. "I'm sorry, I just... I just have so many emotions."

 
 

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