What if Tulisa realised that, actually, she didn't hate X Factor contestant Christopher Maloney, and didn't think that he was basically a karaoke singer, and, actually, she very much loved him and wanted have a street-smart little baby with him? We'll tell you what would happen: this would happen.
The baby's name? "We've decided to call him The Female Baby," says Tulisa.
What would happen if you took Gary Barlow's sad eyes and jaded eyebrows and transplanted them onto a tiny little Rylan Clark? Well, you'd get a baby that looks quite a lot like Rylan Clark, apparently. That didn't really work.
"We have a big announcement to make," Gary Barlow will say, monotonously, in about 2015. "We've had a baby. We've decided to name him after my hit catchphrase, 'Absolutely'. His name is 'Absolutely Barlow'."
"I have chosen to kick Chris Brown to the curb and take up home with Simon Cowell," Rihanna will announce, in about a month. "Also I'm going to stop making albums and getting tattoos and stuff and instead focus on raising this weird-looking kid with a terrible haircut."
"WHAT IS THIS?" you're shouting. "WHAT IS THIS? WHAT IS THIS?" This is what would happen is Lindsay Lohan and Ryan Gosling had a baby together, and called it 'Lindsay Gos-han'. World, we need to do everything in our power to make sure this doesn't happen.
Kate Middleton + Cheryl Cole = a kind of cute baby with 5 O'Clock shadow. Baby maths.
This week One Direction's Zayn Malik and Max George have been locked in a Twitter tussle that culminated with Zayn calling Max "Chlamydia Boy". But it doesn't have to be like this, lads. Sit down and work out your differences. Then figure out a way to make this monstrous baby, above.
"We decided we loved each other, actually," Zayn will tell heat in about two years time, when little Chlamydia Boy is exclusively introduced to the world. "Yes," Max George will say, tenderly. "Yes, we did." We'll have to stop the interview for a few minutes while Max composes himself. "I'm sorry, I just... I just have so many emotions."
Step 1. Pick a gallery. Step 2. Click on it. Step 3. Have the time of your life.