“I like milk,” says David Beckham, at the start of an hour-long press conference scheduled for him to talk about his love of milk. He sits quietly for a few minutes and then walks outside to kick a football at a wall. “He really likes milk,” his press officer later confirms. “He does not want to talk about it.”
“We right like milk, us,” says The Wanted’s Tom Parker. He is from Bolton, remember. “It’s got right loads of vitamins and that in it.” The rest of the group shuffle uncomfortably on the spot. “It’s good on cereal,” says Max George, bravely. The rest of the group pat him on the shoulder. It is good on cereal, Max. Yes.
“The ‘M’ in my famous chart-topping single actually stands for ‘Milk’,” Rihanna reveals. What does the ‘S’ stand for, Rihanna? “I don’t know,” she admits.
“Milk and I were very much in love one summer and then we broke up,” says Taylor Swift. What we are saying is if there is a song on her next album called Milk, or I Am Never Getting Back With You, Milk, or Dairy Bastard, then you heard it here first.
“Milk is magic!” says Rupert Grint. He will be describing things as being ‘magic’ for the rest of his natural life, now. A preview of Rupert Grint in 2070: “Boiled sweets are magic! Visits from my children are magic! Prostate exams are not magic!”
“I was the only one out of Destiny’s Child who ever drank milk,” Beyoncé reveals. “So that tells you all you need to know.”
During her short stint as a judge on The X Factor, Kelly Rowland also took up drinking milk. “Milk is milk-a-licious, baby!” she probably said, once. She has probably said that, actually.
“I really like milk,” says Miley Cyrus. “And I really like milk, too!” says Hannah Montana. Oh no, they’re in the same room together. The time machine Miley used to use to keep both identities going at once has malfunctioned. Lock the door while they fight to the death.
“I wish I’d never stopped drinking milk,” says Lindsay Lohan, looking wistfully at this campaign shot from 2004. “That is probably where it all went wrong for me. When I stopped drinking milk.” Liz & Dick has not yet been optioned for a UK release.
“Milk makes me want to dance!” says Usher. He takes off his hat (he is wearing a hat) and Frisbees it at his fridge door, which inexplicably opens. “Hoo!” he says, while moonwalking over to it. He clicks his fingers and an open carton of milk tips over and starts to pour. Oh, gosh, he’s forgotten a glass. Oh bloody hell, it’s getting everywhere. Errant dancing claims another victim. Usher’s Mum, Mrs Usher, is going to be fuming.
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