Here is the synopsis for the Kiss You video, as first proposed by director Vaughan Arnell and retrieved from a bin on a scrunched up piece of paper by heat: “All the One Direction boys dance around all happy in a car and on a sky slope and on a beach and in prison, and then for one haunting second it all turns into a horrible feverish nightmare where Niall is playing Liam’s head like a drum and Liam, struck stupid by those drumsticks, forgets which way around a guitar goes”. And now we know why Liam shaved his head. It’s so Niall can better play it like a timpani drum.
Here’s Liam looking like a sad little monkey while riding sidecar on a motorcycle.
Here’s Liam looking bewildered into middle-distance while the rest of the band shout, correctly, direct to camera.
Here’s Liam doing a really intense kissy face.
Here’s Liam looking like a panicked Mum, again while riding in the side of a motorbike. Liam takes the crown for ‘best face puller’, no contest.
What would you buy if you were a millionaire boyband member? A house, maybe. A car. A series of doomed holidays with Taylor Swift. But not, apparently, a nice new pair of shoes, because look how battered the soles of those shoes are. Zayn Malik looks terrified to even have them looping between his arms. Every other member of the band is too ashamed to appear on screen at the same time as them.
Compare and contrast with Zayn’s own boxfresh white trainers, and you can see just what a dire footwear situation Harry is living with. Tune in to next week’s heat, when we will launch a Blue Peter-like appear in the hopes of raising enough funds to buy Hazza some new shoes.
Two minutes and one second into the Kiss You video, Niall Horan has a trombone. Two minutes and two seconds into the Kiss You video, and Niall Horan does not have a trombone. Neither of those are a euphemism. The trombone is never seen again, or alluded to, nor is the complicated smuggling operation to get the trombone to Niall while he is incarcerated explained. Yet another plot loophole in the middle of a One Direction video. Shoddy.
Two. Two nipples is exactly enough, Harry. Any more than that is plain greedy.
Everyone has been going mental for ironic Christmas jumpers these past couple of years, but they never team them with ironic shellsuit dungaroos. Hipsters: We expect to see you wearing these things on your body. Yes, we know its mild out. Fashion doesn’t care.
Niall’s face is way more orange than the rest of him, and we don’t know why. Had he been eating a packet of Wotsits hands-free? Had he been motorboating Jodie Marsh? Had he been doing both in quick succession? Why is his face so orange?
Hands together, wave like a fish. It’s the Fish Hand Dance, and it’s really easy. Really, really easy. Unless you look at Harry’s face, because look how deeply he is concentrating on getting it right. Come on Harry, think. You can do this, buddy. You can do the Fish Hand Dance.