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GALLERY: What 7 jobs can Tulisa do now she’s been axed from The X Factor?

VIOLINS, GUN SALUTES, RELEASE A BASKET OF WHITE DOVES INTO THE COLD, DARK SKY: Yes, Tulisa has officially confirmed that she won’t be coming back for a third series of The X Factor. While the rumour mill has been swirling for a while in that direction – and it looking ever more likely that Sharon Osborne could take over her still-warm seat in a £1.5 million deal – it took a while for Tula to officially confirm her technical unemployment, a thing she did with a tweet earlier today. “Just wanted to let you all know that I won't be part of the X Factor panel this year,” she said, Female Boss-ily. “I've had a great time on the show, but this year it's time to do something different. I'd like to thank everyone on The X Factor for two amazing years. Stay tuned as I have a very exciting announcement soon!” Sob. SOB.

So anyway: What might that announcement be? What can Tulisa do now? Good question, you. Here, we suggest a few alternate careers for Tulisa, now that whole ‘being on The X Factor’ thing has gone the way of the toilet.

Gallery

This is what Tulisa looks like in her old job, for reference
This is what Tulisa looks like in her old job, for reference
This is what Tulisa looks like in her old job, for reference
 
This is what Tulisa looks like in her old job, for reference

Keep clicking to see her ‘do other stuff’

Be the next Supernanny
Be the next Supernanny
Be the next Supernanny
 
Be the next Supernanny

With all that experience keeping Dappy in check (Tulisa spent more than enough time on tour with him as part of N-Dubz, so has plenty of experience changing his nappies and keeping him away from the sweets cupboard and pushing him on swings), Tulisa is more than qualified to go on Channel 4 and sternly point fingers in the faces of inept parents and say things like “no” and “naughty” a lot.

Be a Female Boss, somewhere
Be a Female Boss, somewhere
Be a Female Boss, somewhere
 
Be a Female Boss, somewhere

Tulisa has the words ‘The Female Boss’ tattooed on her left arm which, unless we are very much mistaken, makes her more than qualified for a soft position in middle management. Imagine her standing in heels and tutting at a photocopier. Imagine her sitting a warehouse worker of 20 years down and telling him that he did not give 110% often enough. Imagine her sending an all-office e-mail promoting her new CD. Tulisa is made for this.

Be one of those perfume saleswomen who smell faintly of disappointment
Be one of those perfume saleswomen who smell faintly of disappointment
Be one of those perfume saleswomen who smell faintly of disappointment
 
Be one of those perfume saleswomen who smell faintly of disappointment

Tulisa already has one perfume, with another on the way (she recently asked Twitter what she should call it, with some… well, with some mixed responses). Anyway we imagine now that sweet, sweet X Factor gig is over, she can always make a little extra scratch by lugging a couple of boxes of TFB down to Oxford St., pitching up with a wireless mic on, and asking tourists to smell her wrist.

Be a market trader
Be a market trader
Be a market trader
 
Be a market trader

She is very loud. Tulisa is very loud. She could probably sell apples to passersby by shouting at them hard enough.

Be a Youth Services Lawyer
Be a Youth Services Lawyer
Be a Youth Services Lawyer
 
Be a Youth Services Lawyer

“Forgive them for what they have done,” Tulisa will say, every single time she defends some kid in a hoodie from a shoplifting wrap. “’Cause they are young / ‘cause they are young.”

Be on Strictly Come Dancing
Be on Strictly Come Dancing
Be on Strictly Come Dancing
 
Be on Strictly Come Dancing

Tulisa’s dancing experience from N-Dubz seemed to centre on pointing to her crotch and then pointing to the crowd and then looking angry and then doing the symbol of a gun with her fingers, which might be a bit too much for Bruce-y, but would be a major coup for the Beeb after the Alesha-Dixon-to-ITV-debacle.

Be in a gang
Be in a gang
Be in a gang
 
Be in a gang

BRAP BRAP YOU COME ‘ROUND MY ENDS INNIT

 
 

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