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GALLERY: From Spencer Matthews and Stephane Pratt to Proudlock and Caggie - who's bonked who on Made In Chelsea?

GALLERY: From Spencer Matthews and Stephane Pratt to Proudlock and Caggie - who's bonked who on Made In Chelsea?

If you're new to the Made In Chelsea scene, or just haven't managed to unravel the full story lines of their letching, retching and far-fetching drama from the previous five seasons, we're here to help.

The SW1 cast are more incestuous than… well, than an incestuous thing. One day two of 'em are properly loved up and going at it on the sofa at Mahiki, next they're off sniffing around their best mate's exes. Keeping up with their love lives is more exhausting than rocket science (probably) (probably not).

So anyway, we've sat down to try to sort out their various links. It's taken us a while to get our heads around it, but here goes.

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Let's kick things off with Spencer - who by now should be using a hot air balloon to get around West London, and drastically requires a makeover involving a pencil-thin moustache and a cape. He's been around the block, hasn't he? Recently he claimed to have slept with more than 1,000 women - although he said he "lost count" at the age of 16. Grim. Anyway, series 1 started with Spencer pursuing Caggie Dunlop (despite living with then-girlfriend Funda at the time), and telling her on holiday that she was the love of his life. That didn't stop her escaping abroad though - but not until the pair had kissed.

After Spencer, Caggie got pretty close to his good friend Proudlock. Perhaps it was their matching 'wacky' fashion sense or fondness for strange earrings that did it. Their would-be romance was cut short by the appearance of Caggie's cousin Alice, who Proudlock took a shine to.

Proudlock was never one to hang around though, so once Alice had disappeared he was back on the lookout. He had a bit of a thing with Sophia Sassoon and slept with her, to the utter dismay of…

…Francis Boulle, who had a proper face on when he found out. After Sophia found herself unable to choose between him and Proudlock, Francis decided to ask Ashley out on a date.

And we all know how that panned out. There was a whole load of beef at the Christmas party and Francis ended up breaking up with Ashley and getting back with Sophia. That left Ashley free…

…To date Ollie, who by this point seemed to have got over his brief gay phase and was back into the laydeez. And his best friend Blonde Richard…

…Has met the uber-glamorous Kimberley Garner, who has a similar body-to-leg ratio to a daddy long-legs. She has really long legs, is what we're saying here. Really long. Sadly, it turns out she hasn't been that straight with Richard, as she's still a bit tied up with her ex, Diego. Now Diego doesn't want to give up Kimberley without a fight, so he arrives at a posh bash with none other than…

…Cheska on his arm! Cheska hasn't been having too much luck with the old love life - although remember that time she went out with Ollie lookalike Kendal?

IS THIS OLLIE? (No)
IS THIS OLLIE? (No)
IS THIS OLLIE? (No)
 
IS THIS OLLIE? (No)

We met Kendal, of course, on the set of Gabriella's music video, Fight, where she'd lured a whole host of Olliealikes to drape themselves over her piano. Roffle. That was just after Ollie had dumped her the first time (though they did get back together for a very minute holiday fling later on).

After freeing himself from Gabriella's claws, Ollie embarked on a relationship with weird-faced Topshop heiress Chloe Green. Chloe doesn't last that long though, so she exits stage-left - but not before introducing Francis to her friend Natalia.

Natalia and Francis date for a while, but it all fizzles out (as it tends to with Francis). Remember, by this stage he's also had that bordering-on-an-employment-tribunal thing with his intern, Agne Motiejunaite, who - as we recall - loved diamonds. Which was handy, as Francis is all about the diamonds. But it wasn't smooth sailing for them, as Francis's friend Fredrik also took a shine to Agne, leading to a verbal tussle between Francis and Rosie when she finds out he and Fredrik intend to 'share' Agne without telling her.

Rosie, of course, hasn't been without her share of relaysh beef. She flirted with Hugo for a while and there was that dodgy library scene where he just materialised out of nowhere. But at the same time all that's going on, Hugo's not being entirely honest as he's also dating…

…Millie Mackintosh, who finds out about her boyfriend's indiscretions and ends it with an excellent drink-in-the-face tamtrum. She also takes time out of a masquerade ball to publicly lambast former bezzie Rosie for being two-faced.

Rosie doesn't seem that perturbed, although the Hugo episode seemed to curb any romantic inklings for a while. She ends up being the subject of Jamie's affections in a country manor - through she rebuffs him when he attempts to woo her in her room.

Of course it ends in tears. It always does. We all know what happened when Jamie and Spencer clashed over Louise - it almost ended their own bromance. However, Louise eventually plumped for Spencer. BIG MISTAKE.

Jamie doesn't mind too much though, as he's got a string of women to crack onto. After dalliances with Caggie and Kimberley, he's decided the only one for him is Louise. Which is unfortunate, because his best friend Spenny has a friends with benefits thing going on there. This can only end in tears.

As ever, Spencer cannot/will not keep it in his pants. He swears undying love to Louise but then goes and cheats on her with anything capable of self-respiration. After many, many tears, Spenny and Ouise are no more and Spencer's free to pursue hard-faced bitchatron Lucy Watson.

Lucy will not stand for any nonsense. That is made plain time and time again. Sadly for Spencer, he finds out the hard way she's deadly serious. She breaks up with Spenny after he cheats on her on holiday, then enjoys a sort-of date with White T-Shirt Alex.

White T-Shirt Alex - so named because he looks ridiculously good in a white T-shirt - is an ex of Phoebe-Lettuce Thompson. And no-one's allowed to forget this fact. Even though she doesn't want Alex anymore, Pheebs decides to turn her hand to sabotage and has loud slanging matches with Lucy while the two blonde ones stand by gormlessly.

Phoebe doesn't really have a leg to stand on, given that she's supposed to be in a relationship with quiff-haired poutster Josh Coombs, whose only interests in life seem to be styling his hair and being passive-aggressive. But his good friend Andy Jordan is having slightly better luck with the ladies, having invited Weird Blonde Sister 1 Fran out on a date.

That doesn't work out, of course, because Andy's noticed Louise is newly single having split from Spencer. They decide life's too short for, y'know, stuff like 'waiting until one person is completely over their last relationship' and 'making sure that person isn't just going into a rebound spiral because they're utterly heartbroken' and ride off into the sunset. Until Niall Horan comes along…

Yeah, allegedly Louise goes to Niall's house and turns off her phone, leaving Andy and his enormous nostrils to reconsider their relationship. He ends their romance in the opening episode of series 6, and - predictably - Louise cries. Spencer, spotting a weakness, a chink in the emotional armour, decides to run to her side, offering comfort. Wuh-woah.

But he's going to have to keep his hands where we can see him, because he's got a fledgling fling going on with fellow Realitite Stephanie Pratt off of The Hills! Could this be the real deal? We suspect not, because guess who's set to come back to Chelsea?

You got it! Watch this space to see the sparks fly when Caggie returns home.

 
 

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