We really hope there was a ban on naked flames on London’s Southbank on Saturday night as the lethal combo of man made fabrics and ozone desecrating levels of hairspray hit the capital in the annual celebration of dogs dinner dresses- The British Soap Awards. If it wasn’t plunged to the navel (Brooke Vincent) it was skintight lycra (umm also Brooke Vincent) slit to the groin or in an eye wateringly awful colour.
The biggest fashion crimes of the night were committed against innocent boobs with Preeya Kalidas, Shobna Gulati and Chelsea Halfpenny all squeezing the life out of their poor bosoms. Holly Jay Bowes committed a further atrocity against hers by disguising them as stocking clad bank robbers.
If it wasn’t boobs on show it was thighs (and in some cases crotches) with Alice Barlow looking like a Lidl version of Angelina Jolie with her sticking out leg and Jessie Wallace flashing pins the colour of a chorizo sausage.
There were a few exceptions to the come as a tornado in a market rule….Katherine Kelly’s full length Burberry frock was super chic, Samia Smith played it safe but looked gorgeous in a long black gown, Jennie McAlpine turned heads showing off her hot new bod in Vivienne Westwood and Jacqueline Jossa wouldn’t have looked out of place at an A-list premiere. Good work girls- now have a word with your fellow cast members for next year please….
 

Preeya Kalidas

 

We might not be brilliant at maths but we know DD never goes into A...Time for a bigger dress , before we call the RSPB (Royal Society for the Protection of boobies)

Jessie Wallace

 

Did someone try to bbq poor Jessie's limbs before she came out?

Charlie Clemmow

 

The dress is so so, the Mr Whippy ice cream on her head, not so.

Mel C

 

Wow we knew the career wasn't going that swimmingly but how sad poor Mel C now has to waitress at awards ceremonies

Chelsea Halfpenny

 

Now when you had to do this to protect your modesty in your bedroom did you not think about maybe changing the frock?

Alice Barlow

 

Complicated leg fracture? Poor thing.

Gemma Merna

 

It's a bit Barbie bridesmaid but in the kingdom of the bad dressed the mid way atrocious is King.

Holly Jay Bowes

 

At least the dress distracts us from the hair....

Shobna Gulati

 

Smoking hot bod-yes. But boobies this big need better support

Jennifer Metcalfe

 

Pretty girl in Herve Leger. Yawn.

Jessica Fox

 

Couldn't decide which frock to wear so just wore them both?

Shona McGarty

 

Cleverly fashioned hers from an old wetsuit

Katherine Kelly

 

The chicest look of the night. This grey dress was beautiful against her pale skin.

Michelle Keegan

 

Nice frock but we would have liked a little more grooming in the hair department

Emma Bunton

 

A mumsy LBD doesn' t do Baby many favours

Samia Smith

 

Simple and elegant- amazing!

Jacqueline Jossa

 

'Enders Lauren did the Square proud in this uber glam number

Jennie McAlpine

 

Wowsers! How hot does Fizz look?!